February Day 20


What’s your poison?
Anyone who reckons that they are purer than the driven snow is talking a load of well, slush.
I’ve had a few vices in my time. I’ve smoked (no Mum, I didn’t inhale), I’ve picked my nose and I’ve been a militant “Ewww, you’re not going to eat that, are you?” smug vegan (surely one of the worst vices of all). But let’s be honest, who amongst us humans is perfect? Who doesn’t have a few chinks in their character? Really, a dash of Cruella makes a much more well-rounded person, than a goody two-shoes Poppins. I know whose status updates I’d rather read on Facebook. Actually, annoying Facebook updates, alerting the world to your every move is one of the reasons why I quit social media. And I’m not the only person driven ff’ing nuts by people’s updates. If you google “Facebook posts that annoy people” a whopping 2,240,000 answers come up. That’s a lot of pent-up frustration against your friends, n’est-ce pas? So below is a quick round-up of the most irritating statuses. Use it as a guide to annoy the fuck out of your friends on a bad day, or refer to it for ‘what not to do’ when you’ve got your Poppins head on. Either way, you’re welcome.

Facebook Vices 101

1.The Holiday Whore.
You know who I’m talking about. That person who posts naff all year, but as soon as they hop on a plane, they update Facebook with their every move. So you took a holiday. Good for you. But is it really necessary to alert your friends to your every meal, drink and bowel movement whilst away from home?

2.Oversharing your Offspring
Don’t get me wrong. Kids are awesome. I’ve got three of my own. However, bragging about their every meal, small achievement and bowel movement is TMI. I get that you’re a proud parent. Save the over-brag for the grandparents.

3. The Update Addict.
9 am Just had a toasted bagel. Slightly crunchy…but yummy!
9.10 am Still hungry, contemplating a banana…thoughts?
9.15 am Went all out and ate the banana…Lush!
9.16 am Can’t decide! Orange or apple? What am I like? lol.
You get the picture. And don’t even get me started on lol. Pah.

4. Hashtag Hilarity.
I must have been asleep when the memo, “Hashtag every fucking sentence you write” was sent out. Seriously, I don’t get it.
I’m happy for the humble hashtag. Honestly. It’s come a long way from its fourteenth century origins as a mangled ‘lb’ sign. (Check out this clever geezers blog if you don’t believe me. http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/books/2013/09/origins-of-hashtag-manicule-diple-pilcrow-ampersand-explained.html) #Bloody cynics. I’m happy the ordinary octothorpe (yes that’s the hashtag’s real title, thank you very much) is getting its moment of glory. But #don’t#you#think#we’ve#overdone#it?#milking it. #so over it.

5. The Sherlock Status
You know what I mean. People who throw out status updates like cryptic crossword clues: “Oh I’m glad that’s over!” Or “Some people really are so mean, I can’t believe what just happened!” People who update their status with just a snippet of information, then leave you hanging for the details. Pffft. Let’s be clear: If I wanted mystery I’d watch Downey Jr. be all smug to Law. Spell it out people. #FFS. Alright!?

6. The ‘how many boasts can you post, post’
I get it. We live in a narcissistic, multi-tasking, self-serving world, where ‘fake it till you make it’ is the new humility. But when all you do is use Facebook as a brag book, 365 days of the year to inflate your own ego with posts such as, “BEST DAY EVER! Got a promotion at work INCLUDING a bonus of a month in Saint Lucia…PLUS I won the lottery!” #Livingthedream. These braggarts are more annoying than Justin Bieber, with a bag of coke, in a strip club.

7. Gym Gloaters
You know the status: “Just back from my 5 a.m. Iron Man. Which I completed backwards, whilst blindfolded in a snow blizzard. Life is great!” #Getting my fit on! etc. While I applaud anyone for hauling carcass off the couch and swerving the family-size bag of Doritos, I do not need an update every time you raise your heartbeat from exertion. I’m far too busy hunting for the TV remote.

8. Soap-box ranters
People who use their status updates to ‘inform’ the rest of us rabble about the latest cause/public injustice.
I appreciate the sentiment and I also agree: there are a fuck load of atrocities happening in our sometimes screwed up world. But raging on Facebook ain’t gonna change much. If you really care, stop updating your status with armchair politics and go do something proactive.

9. Whinging Wally / Negative Nelly
We’ve all seen that status. The “Woe is me, why is my life so crap?” status. Look. Let’s level. I feel for you. I do. We all go through shitty days and phases in our life and we all need someone to lean on. But here’s the thing: Facebook is not a support group. A few people might rally and post a “Oh you poor thing” type comment, but most of your ‘friends’ are voyeurs who will read your plight, say hmmm and move on. If your life is really as bleak as your posts suggest, step away from the computer and go get help. In the real world.

I could go on, but after a quick skim read of this post, I realize I sound like Queen of the bitches. So I shall stop. I have enough guilt. So I’ll leave you with this (plagiarized) thought: “I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account, and I’m over it.”

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