Alright me ol’ china…It’s the hump day DP Challenge


Alright geezers and birds,
What’s ‘appening?
This week’s challenge is to write in yer native tongue and the dialect of yer roots.
So as a gel born ‘n’ bred in London, I ain’t got no choice but to big up the cockney patter.
And since yesterdee was hump day and I missed owt on posting me usual songs (cos’ me nippers were orf school due to the teachers strike) ‘ere’s a few songs that draw on London fer their inspiration. Innit though.

1. Itchychoo Park – By the Small Faces
This song from the ’60s is a little facking cracker. Plus the geezers look well sharp in their whistles.


2. Hometown Glory – By Adele
Adele is a proper London gel. You’ve only gotta ‘ear ‘er open ‘er norf and sarf (mouth) to clock it.
This song is another beauty.


3. Born Slippy – By Underworld
This ‘ouse musik track from back in the ’90s well reminds me of my hometown. Nights owt clubbing wiv me mates.’Aving it large. Cos if you didn’t know, London iz one of them cities that nevah sleeps. It’s got a mighty pulse. Just like this facking choon.
Enjoy the songs, won’t cha? Tat-ar.

Yifof reboot, Day Seven


In the documentary, ‘Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead’ on about day six of his juice reboot, Joe Cross goes into a New York pizzeria just so he can smell the aroma of the cheesy, doughy concoctions.
It is a sad scene to watch; a grown man forlornly watching bustling New Yorkers chow down, whilst he laments his relationship with food.
I never fully empathized with Joe until starting this challenge myself.
Yesterday was my day six and I felt exactly like Joe in that pizzeria.
Just because I’m not eating solid food, it doesn’t mean that the rest of my family is fasting.
And anyone who has been in charge of a boisterous being or two, in their time, will know that the battle cry “I’m hungry” is a persistent refrain. Often I feel like a short-order cook: ready to serve meals at the drop of hat and on constant duty. Normally, feeding my family is something I love. But not this week. This week preparing the evening meal has been fucking hard, let me tell you.
Yesterday I prepared dinner for my family. A sumptuous feast: homemade mac and cheese (two different varieties),
a gargantuan salad and plates of other yummy nibbles.
Whilst my family dove into their dinner (with the gusto of Henry the Eighth), I drank this:

Yes, it was refreshing and delicious. Yes, it made me feel good. But the scents of the gooey cheesy pasta and watching my family munch away merrily was almost too much to bear. I could have wept…and I don’t even like macaroni and bloody cheese.

But fast forward to now. The morning of day seven. I’ve almost completed my first week!
The reboot is getting a lot easier. Initially it was hard. Really hard. To be honest, the first two days were a fucking nightmare.
When you take food out of the daily equation your body behaves like an annoying toddler, screaming incessantly:

“Feed me…FEED ME NOW!”

But then, like a toddler after a massive meltdown, my body is slowly calming down.
My body is adjusting. It’s amazing how adaptable humans are.
So after a week in the reboot saddle, this is what I’ve learned:

1. I am a needy fucker.
We all need cheerleaders in our life and taking on a radical lifestyle change like this wouldn’t have been possible without
1. My Family
2. My friends
3. The online reboot community which has saved my bacon (not that I’m eating any) this past week.

2.I have strong willpower
It is empowering to see just how much resilience I have. So often in life we second guess ourselves and our abilities.
Persevering with this challenge shows I’m capable of determination. I intend to harness this willpower into other areas of my life.

3.Juicing too much beetroot can make your pee turn pink.
I did not know this. Then when I peered into the toilet bowl, I nearly shit myself…but I’m juicing, so I didn’t.
Anyway, turns out pink beet pee is called Beeturia. Who knew?

4.I am buying way more produce
When you juice you need a fuck of a lot more fruits and veggies. Undertaking a reboot is definitely not cheap. I reckon I must be spending about $25 a day on fruits and veggies. But compared to being sick, or the price of junk food and expensive lattes or whatever else, I’d say in the long run, I’m saving a fortune.

5.Evenings are the toughest
Since I’ve started this reboot, I’ve leaped out of bed at 6am, like one of the spring birds chirruping at dawn outside my window. But by the time night-time rolls around, I’m fucking shattered.
My solution to the dusk drearies? Laugh and then laugh some more.
Thank fuck for George Carlin.
Every night I’ve watched one of his comedy specials on Netflix.
For the uninitiated, George Carlin is a North American comedic legend. Damn that man was a word wizard.
His word-play is astounding. Listening to his musings has made this reboot a fuck of a lot easier.
I just hope I can find enough George Carlin comedy specials to see me through the next three weeks.

Hump Day Hunger – I’m ffing STARVING


Hello Hello!


Well this week whistled past in Yifof’s world.
I celebrated my ten year-old’s birthday at a lazer tag party. I’ve had sick boisterous beings galore, complete with projectile vomiting. All. Over. The Bedroom. I’ve got a husband on crutches with ripped ligaments (see aforementioned lazer tag party).
And on Saturday, I had my last gorging/feasting/drinking session before my juicing cleanse reboot-whatever-the-fuck you want to call it started on Monday.
If you’ve been following this blog for a while, you’ll remember that each month I set myself a little challenge.
For May, I set myself the challenge of getting rid of my chronic hives by undertaking a ‘reboot’.
This is where you spend 10, 15 or 30 days juicing.
I was inspired to try this after seeing Joe Cross’s documentary “Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead”. Joe had the exact same condition as me and cured his chronic hives by hitting the juices. So I thought it was worth a try.
Leading up to the juice cleanse I was supposed to only eat raw food (ie fruit and veg).
Well, I lasted about a week. Shit, I know. The book I’m following “The Reboot with Joe Juice Diet” by Joe Cross says NOT to do that. But since Joe Cross himself dove in at the deep end, and did the very same, I though “Fuck it”.
So here I am on day three. Days one and two were fucking awful. Headaches. Grumpy and generally all round feeling shitty. It’s amazing that just by taking food out of the equation, your body starts to scream in defiance.
But I also knew that if I stuck it out for the initial tough three day period, I would start to feel better.
And here I am on day three feeling way better already.
So allow me to brag a little. This morning I went to the gym at SIX AM. I got the boisterous beings to school…ON TIME (a spring miracle I tell you).
I drank my ginger and lemon tea and then made myself the most amazing juice for breakfast:


I guess you could say I’ve turned the detox corner.
I hope this determination lasts as I am planning to stick it out for another 27 days (and yes, I checked in with my doctor, who gave me her blessing).
But I’m still hungry and food seems to be everywhere. So with that in mind, this week’s hump day songs are devoted to food.
So make yourself a plate of something special. (Or if you’re rebooting like me, juice something sexy). Hit play and enjoy.
Bon appetit. And if anyone reading this is currently on a reboot/has done a reboot, or just wants to chat, please say hi…I need all the cheerleaders I can get right now.

1. Peaches by the Presidents of the United States

Yup. Peaches are yum and I’m allowed to juice these sexy, fruity mo-fos. Plus this song is kinda groovy. Not sure about the Ninjas turning up at the end of the video, but I suppose even men-in-black need a fruit fix. Lick the juice of your chin and enjoy.


2. Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk by Rufus Wainwright

This song was so fucking appropriate that I had to include it.
I mean look at these lyrics:
Cigarettes and chocolate milk
These are just a couple of my cravings
Everything it seems I like’s a little bit stronger
A little bit thicker, a little bit harmful for me

If I should buy jellybeans
Have to eat them all in just one sitting
Everything it seems I like’s a little bit sweeter
A little bit fatter, a little bit harmful for me

Especially the jelly beans and chocolate milk part. Ah Rufus. You know me so well.


3. Ham ‘n’ Eggs by a Tribe Called Quest

This song is a funky shopping list of food. The opening rift “I don’t eat no ham ‘n’ eggs cos’ they’re high in cholesterol” speaks to my very soul.
Even if you’re not cleansing, this happy little hip-hop number will get yer toes tapping and yer head nodding.
Happy Hump Day Y’all. Juice On!

Hump Day Sunshine


Happy Hump Day!


And what a glorious hump day it is too.
Here in my neck of the woods, the sun is shining and everything and everyone has that sunshiney glow.
It’s funny how your mood can lift, just cos’ that giant ball in the sky is beaming down.
Everyone is happy. The dogs are lolling in the backyard. Kids are playing. Life feels good.
In honour of the sun, here are three songs that capture the mood of a sunshiney afternoon.
It’s the perfect chance to switch off the ff’ing computer and get outside…to do some of that livin’.
So press play. Pour a cold drink and go lounge in the warmth of the day.

1. Here comes the Sun by George Harrison
I love the Beatles and this track is one of my favourites.
You may or may not know the inspiration of how this song came to life, but George Harrison wrote it. One spring morning in Eric Clapton’s garden. The Beatles were having a hard time. George in particular. The reality of being a famous musician, with all the paperwork, accountants and bullshit were getting on his nerves. So this is the song he wrote.
Whatever the reason behind it, it’s a great song. Look for George’s happy little smile as the crowd recognizes the opening rift.
A sunshine smile if ever I saw one.


2. New Shoes by Paulo Nutini
This song from Paulo’s first album when he was just 19, is a damn fine sunny day tune.
This little Scottish lad knows how to sing a song. Good job he followed his dreams of being a singer instead of going into the family business (a fish and chip shop).


3. Hothouse Flowers – I can see clearly now
Rounding out this selection of UK sun songs are Irish band The Hothouse Flowers.
Cracking song. Mad trip down memory lane, complete with crazy ’90s flowing hair and proper cheesy music video.

Mum, Mom, Mamma…No matter how you say it, it’s all just shorthand for unconditional love.


Happy mother’s Day Y’all.
I love Mother’s Day.
Especially now.
Now that I’m a mother myself to the three boisterous beings, I truly appreciate what it means to be a Mum.
Motherhood is the best – and hardest journey you’ll ever get to experience.
From the moment you know that you’re having a baby, it’s like the axis of the world shifts slightly.
From then on, every decision, you make with your child(ren) in mind.
You second guess every. little. thing.
You try to be your best self, because there are people depending on you.
Being accountable every minute of the day ‘ain’t easy.
Not every woman who gives birth knows what it is to be a mother. Not every woman puts her kids first.
Not all mothers sacrifices their wants, in favour of their kids needs.
But I’m not here to preach, or judge on the women who just don’t get it. Not stepping up to the mother plate is their loss.
I can’t identify with their journey, because in the Mum department, I struck gold.
Fuck, who am I kidding…I am infinitely-beyond-words-lucky.
Because fate dealt me a Mum who is there for me. She always has been.
Someone who I can count on, no matter what I get right, what I do wrong.
A woman who taught me to go out and seize life.
To chase my dreams and stick two fingers up to all the negative nelly’s.
She knows just what words to say to cheer me up.
She knows damn right that the best solution to life’s ridiculous bits is to giggle like a hyena at the sheer absurdity of it all.
Having a mother that cares, someone who’s ‘got your back’ – is priceless.
It’s worth more than anything in this material world.
If you’re fortunate enough to have a mum who is all of that to you, too, then I’d say you’re damn lucky.
Often, in this crazy mixed up world, we don’t take the time out of our day to tell the people who really love us just how much we care.
So today, I’m bellowing it loud and proud.
Thanks Mum.
Thanks for being there from the start. Heck, thanks for always being there. For being my cheerleader. For guiding me. For having my best interests at heart.
Thanks for showing me that a strong woman is allowed to cry. Thanks for showing me that sometimes, when life gives you lemons, say “fuck ’em all” and laugh instead. Thanks for staying up, all those sleepless nights, from babyville, to me coming-home-at-the-crack-of-dawn in my twenties. Thanks for cuddling me when I was sick. For lifting me back up to the light when I had a broken heart. Most of all, thanks for showing me that unconditional love is the most precious thing we can ever feel.
I love you Mum…You’re the best.
So with that sentiment in mind, check out this little Mums-are-awesome message below. Get yer hanky.

Hump Day – Love your Mama


Hey Folks.

So in honour of Mother’s Day this Sunday, I have no choice but to serenade you with three songs that celebrate that special woman in our lives.
It’s a tricky one though, cos’ a lot of the Mama songs are sappy shite, and if you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know that ain’t how the Yifof rolls.
So instead of force-feeding you Taylor Swift (The Best Day), the Spice Girls (Mama), or even the legendary Mr T’s unforgettable ‘Treat your Momma right’, I’ve gone with the three gems below.

Enjoy. Get your groove on. Then go call your Mum. She’ll be reet chuffed.

1. The Belle Stars – The Clapping Song

This song is everything that was RIGHT about the ’80s. Frivolous, cheesy and fucking fun.
This song is so full of the ‘whoopee’ factor, that even after 32 years it still makes me want to leap out of my chair and bust a ska move.


2. Van Morrison – Days like this

So this song mention Mums. And my Mum introduced me to Van Morrison. Plus he has a cracking voice. What’s not to like?


3. LL Cool J – Mama said Knock you Out

I told you I was gonna forfeit the schmaltz in favour or fun. What’s better that LL Cool J singing a comeback, pretending he ain’t and then threatening to get his Mama if you tease him?