New Year. New You. Yeah, right.


It’s the end of the year.
Fuck off 2014. Hello 2015.
So the imminent New Year can be broken down like this: while a lot of us are contemplating the Hogmanay countdown with the hopes of NOT suffering a horrific hangover, some of us also think of January as a good time for a fresh start.
Yup it’s resolution time. That time of year when you should avoid the gym at all costs, as it will be overflowing with well-meaning goal setters. But come February those same poor fuckers who spent half of January squeezing into spandex and living off nothing but universe juice, will already be lounging on the couch, binge watching ‘Netflicks’ inhaling family-sized bags of Dorritos.
So why is it so many of us fail at our resolutions?
The truth is only 8 per cent of people keep their resolutions. Even talking about them is divisive.
But whether you like resolutions or not, the truth is, a little goal setting is healthy. You just have to go about it the right way.
So what is the trick to being successful with your resolutions?

1. Don’t be an overachiever.
So you want to quit smoking, lose 100 lbs, climb Mount Everest and open an orphanage for one-legged sparrows. Admirable goals certainly, but a bit fucking greedy. Apparently the biggest reason people slip up is because they set too many unrealistic goals. So instead confusing your resolution list with your bucket list: keep it simple, stupid. Pick one thing. Then go work on that.

2. If every year your resolution is the same and every year you don’t stick to it, it’s time for a shake up. Pick something else. You’re setting yourself up for failure otherwise. So this year rebel. Pick a new fucking resolution. I dare you.

3.So you want to run a marathon, but you can’t even jog for a fucking bus without getting winded?
Then remember: Rome wasn’t built in a day. Get yourself a plan. Start smaller. But just fucking start.

4. Ever watched a baby learn to walk?
What happens? They fall on their arse a lot, right?
Then what happens? They get right back up, giggle and then try again.
That’s you. A fat fucking toddler, in a diaper trying to conquer your resolution. If at first you don’t succeed, giggle and then try again.

5. Why do you want to achieve your goal?
What will it mean to your life? Think of that. Write it down. Then go do it.

Finally just remember that you don’t need a January, or a Monday morning to start afresh. Every day is a blank page to begin again.
Happy New Year Fuckers…May 2015 be all that you hoped it would be.