Are you any good at Maths? Do you like solving problems? Well, I’ve got one for you:
I have two dogs. They each take a shit, twice a day. If I haven’t bothered to go into the back yard for a month, to scoop the poop, how much crap is there?
Answer: If you said shitloads, give yourself a pat on the back.
So now my sordid secret is out in the open, let’s get down to the nitty-gritty. After all the Christmas high jinks, today I finally found the time to get in the yard and shovel. To be fair, the weather has been fucking awful and I’ve had a houseful of visitors, so I haven’t felt like picking up crap. So I left it until today. Actually, if I’m honest, what forced me outside was reading a Facebook post that annoyed the shit out of me. My inwardly seething thought bubble went something like this “My life is too short for this shit. Ah shit…shit… time to pick some up” or something like that.
Anyway, whilst shovelling shit, I ruminated that if a Facebook post about forged dick pics is not over sharing, then surely, a status update saying I was picking up dog shit would be perfectly reasonable.
Then I decided, fuck that shit! That’s not good enough. Because, actually, picking up shit is boring as shit.
So I thought: Let’s make this shit a bit more interesting.
Are You keeping us with me talking shit so far? Good.
Anyway I turned the poop scooping into a game. A positive into a negative. How very Mary fucking Poppins of me:
So if like me, you are a lazy fucker when it comes to poop scooping, perhaps you might appreciate the following game.
Think of it as a fresh take on beer pong. Only with less pong. Actually, strike that. With MORE pong…it is dog shit you’re shovelling after all.
Rules of Shit and Scoop
Tools required for the game:
1. A shovel.
2. Some dog shit
3. Alcoholic beverage of your choice
1. For every turd scooped whole: take one large sip of your drink.
2. For every shit trod in by accident, shout “holy shit” in an angry voice and take two large sips of your drink.
3. For every item that your dog has chewed up and shat out that you can still recognize, take three large sips of your drink.
4. If your dog has managed to shit out an entire string of pearls unscathed: open a bottle of champagne.
There you have it. Poop scooping has never been so fun. You’re welcome.
* Just to be clear: save up the drinking until after all the shit has been scooped and you have washed your hands…we’re not fucking barbarians, after all.